Meditation...
(Disclaimer...this is a rather long and personal entry today, so if you don't feel like reading it then no worries. However, I am positive that for all of you that do want to read it that you were with me through this entire wonderful experience. )
Oh...where to begin with today? We started off the morning in our regular asana practice, which was nice and strong. The room was filled with an amazing energy that made me want to jump up and sing! This was followed by what will forever be one of those life-changing experiences for me. Today I felt the power of love without judgment. It is rather like sky diving, no matter how hard you try, you can't articulate the feelings you have into words. I can tell you that it is a truly liberating experience that you want to try and share with everyone you love.
Junko is our meditation instructor and is an amazing Japanese woman that is 7 months pregnant with this mystical aura around her. She walks with such grace and beauty from the inside out and when she enters a room there is this sort of peaceful ease that takes over. At least this is what happens in my mind. I have never really thought of myself as someone that would ever enjoy meditation or even be able to actually do it, but that has now forever changed.
Junko entered the Shala very shortly after our morning practice and had us set ourselves up for meditation. We all scurried around to get our favorite prop to sit on and then nestled down onto our mats with the prop of our choosing. This prop would be the only thing between the hardest, hard wood floors in the world and our bums for the next hour or so while Junko led us down the path towards meditation.
I guess that I needed to understand that mediation does not have to be sitting completely frozen for hours on end with a completely clear mind before I could ever have the openness to allow this practice into my life. Meditation is taking the time to quiet our bodies and our minds, which is very different from trying to completely stop the mind from thinking and the body from moving. Actually, you can have all sorts of thoughts. The trick is to not allow yourself to get stuck on any one particular thing, so it is more like a steady stream of thoughts passing in and out. As soon as one appears it can disappear into thin air and you end up with this world wind of emotions that just overtake everything else around you. Until today I had this all backwards.
We begin with our eyes closed, legs crossed so that our knees can rest gently on the floor and a light shawl wrapped around our shoulders. Even though it is pretty warm here the shawl is nice and comforting. You can think of it as your favorite baby blanket or stuffed animal when you were a child and then you will understand the feeling that the shawl provides you in guided mediation. We are told to start becoming aware of our breath by breathing in through one side and out through the other. Taking a full and deep inhale all the way down to our belly, allowing it to move up through our chest, completing it with a brief pause and then out through the nose. Just sitting and practicing breathing like this with your eyes closed can be amazingly calming.
Now instead of being told to clear your mind of all thought, which is close to impossible for me to do, we are told to just focus on our breathing. This has a strange way of calming your mind and your body and before you know it you begin to feel as if you are in some sort of heavenly trance. I was still aware of my thoughts and they were certainly racing around at this stage, but I was no longer concerned with the thoughts in my head and certainly no longer harping on any one particular thing. After a while, Junko, just allows us to sit and breathe. Other than the occasional reminder to allow ourselves to accept how we are feeling, Junk0, has pretty much gone silent. She assures us that if we feel the overwhelming urge to cry that this is a normal human emotion and to just allow it to happen without judging ourselves.
The strangest part about all of this is that this overwhelming feeling to cry that Junko talks about seems to come from so many different directions that you have absolutely no idea why you suddenly have the urge to cry and therefore it is almost impossible to stop the tears start from escaping your eyes. I am not talking about sobbing uncontrollably because this is more of a silent and personal cry. The type that starts with this deep feeling inside that turns into a tornado of emotions blowing around everywhere within and ends with a few tears slipping down your face. You have no concept of whether these are happy tears, sad tears, angry tears or tears of fear. All of a sudden you begin to realize that it does not actually matter what type of tears they are. The different reasons for the tears all sort of melt together and you feel as if you are releasing 25 years of icky toxins from your heart. It is like changing the oil in your car after driving it for 10,000 miles or so. Your body and mind now feel like they are prepared to drive again and are much better equipped to handle those crazy curves that life tends to throw our way.
I must admit that this was a very humbling experience for me and I am a crier! I don't really like to cry in public, but those of you that know me will know that I definitely cry and occasionally it does happen in public. I especially did not like the idea of crying in the middle of my yoga teacher training class, but I had no choice in the matter. I did a pretty good job of holding my tears back until we were told to lie down onto our backs and prepare for shavasana (dead body pose). You do this at the end of of every practice to settle yourself before going on with your day.
Junko was walking around and giving everyone personal adjustments and she could tell that I had been fighting back my tears by the time she got to me. She softly whispered in my ear that it was good for me to let go and that it was beautiful that I had found those tears and those feelings within. She assured me that these emotions were healthy and natural and that is when I lost the battle and the tears released. At first I felt completely stupid and helpless because apparently I was the only one in class that had currently tapped into those feelings. However, Junko, came over to me after class and asked my name. I told her what it was and she looked me straight in the eyes and explained that she was proud of me and that this was a gift. She gave me one of the most delicate and yet powerful hugs that I have ever experienced in my life and it took everything in me not to completely fall apart. Still not really sure what or where all of these sensations and emotions were coming from, but feeling completely at ease with it was so refreshing.
Junko then told me that I might have these overwhelming feelings throughout the day and to just relax and go with it. I can confirm that she was right. I went for a walk in the rain after this experience because there was no way that I could possibly sit. There was an energy within that I have yet to experience and it was moving me all around inside, so I felt the most natural thing to do would be to keep moving with it. These sudden burst of tears kept coming and going through the duration of my walk. The 5 hours of anatomy and posture techniques that normally drag by simply seemed to fly right past and since I was still filled with an amazing feeling of lightness and energy I decided to go for yet another 2 hour walk on the beach tonight.
Today I marvel at how spectacular life can be if we open our hearts and our minds. I finally realized how glorious my surroundings are. The ocean mist dancing off the sea into the lush, green hills with the sun setting and the poofy white clouds floating around. The waves crashing onto the shore that is filled with these crazy purple and blue jellyfish. This all made me feel as if I am right at home even though I am on the other side of the world from everything and everyone that I have surrounded myself with to feel safe.
Today has been more like a dream and to me this is a true feeling of freedom and santosha! I hope this finds you happy and full of light and love!! Thanks for being with me on this wild journey we call life!
XOXO
